Squeak..

My car is not known for its reliability. Come to think of it, my car is not known for many things: its policy on foreign affairs; its views on how maroon is the new red; or even how pillows are the key to the future of our children. But yesterday morning I got into The Major (yes, I named my car "The Major". If you have a problem with this, I suggest you write to Ura Huge of the Automobile Renaming Society for Engineers), and I realised that all was not well. The Major had developed an unaccountable squeak, which was emanating from just above my right ear.

Now, whether this complication arose due to something I instigated, or whether it is something unrelated to the way I handle The Major, is almost impossible for me to ascertain. The fact of the matter is that there was a squeak, and it unsettled me somewhat. Don't get me wrong, my car has a number of rattles and shakes. But no squeaks. Not yet. Not until yesterday. The situation had moved from an old car, to an old car that now suddenly could fall apart and spontaneously combust at any stage.

I wound down the window. No change. I wound up the window to the point where I physically couldn't force the glass any further up between the two fiddly bits of rubber. No change. Sweat formed on my brow, and I started to panic. I was now a liability, driving on a public road, in broad daylight. We've all seen the movies, and so we all know that unaccountable squeaks have a tendency to lead to spectacular and explosive deaths...

It turns out that the squeak stopped after about a kilometer of driving, and I managed to arrive at my destination with all limbs attached. But I can honestly say that I have learnt a valuable lesson, and it is this lesson that I would like to impart on you all today:

"When driving an old car, and you hear a squeak resonating from an unknown source, stop the car. You would be much better off if you just walked to wherever you are going. You would also stand more chance of avoiding cardiac arrest if you heeded my advice regularly and as your fitness builds."

So there we are. Squeaks ultimately lead to death. Avoiding the aforementioned squeaks clearly leads to extended longevity. You can thank me later.

Toodle-pip,

andrewthekerr