Evasive Action..

Let's be honest, we all know that South Africa is not the safest of places. Now don't worry, faithful readers, I'm not about to go on a rant about crime and pessimism, but one must not be naive to assume that one is immune to thievery and hijackery-type antics. But as South Africans we grow accustomed to this sort of thing, and in some cases de-sensitized. We learn to accept that this land has it's dangers, and we compensate by preparing for them and generally toughening up.

However, recent events and newspaper clippings are telling of stories from the deep. Whispers and mutterings riddle the conversations of people having coffee in boutiques by the seaside. The air flows uneasily over roof racks, and large quantities of scraggly individuals are popping up here and there, looking forlorn for some reason. Some speculate that this is due to the unavailability of certain hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals at the moment, but I reckon it's got more to do with the shark attacks.

So now, as Cape Tonians, we find ourselves unable to find safety on land or on sea. Where should we go? The air?! HA! I laugh in the face of our oppressors, and call for a revolution. Friends, our action needs to be swift and just. Robbers hold no respect for placards. Sharks are impervious to petitions. We must fight force with force! And this is where the Andrew I Kerr Patented Shark Slash Robber Protection Scheme (TM) takes it's full effect. I advise you to heed my call, and learn the following defenses off by heart:

Sharks and Robbers are essentially the same thing. They both want something from you, they strike unexpectedly, and they have many rows of razor-sharp teeth. Since this is the case, we can treat them the same, and thereby defend ourselves from them in the same way.

Step 1: Punch the shark/robber on the nose, and it will completely disorientate them.
This is always the first thing to do. Once they are disorientated, you will have not only the physical upper hand, but also an emotional advantage. Nobody likes being punched on the nose. For man or beast, it's highly embarrassing!

Step 2: If your assailant has still managed to grab hold of a limb, even after the punching tactic, it is always best not to wriggle, as this often angers them. Instead, one should play dead for a bit, and then Mace them in the face. (Use Mace-spray for the robber, but for better results with a shark you may want to wield an actual mace.)

Step 3: If the worst comes to the worst, just hand over whatever they want. It may cost you an arm and a leg, but you can always replaces things from second hand shops. Remember to always ask for your SIM card back because robber don't really use them, and sharks will already have them as they are incredibly tech-savvy..

Remember kids, sharks and robbers can smell fear, so it's also a good idea to always wear copious amounts of perfume or aftershave if you're going to be walking the streets at night, or having a quiet surf. "Cover the smell, as it will repel!"

You have been warned. (Note: These tactics are still in a vigorous testing phase, and are subject to lucky get-aways..)

Toodle-pip,
andrewiconkerr