S, K & S..

Yes! It's high time for another blog. But what to blog about? Good question. One I have been asking myself for a while, trying to decide how to enthral my many readers. But there is the problem. One shouldn't be thinking too hard about what to write, because then, I'm afraid, it becomes scripted, and that's not what I'm going for.

So, what I'm thinking about right now are: Slippers, Kippers and Salt. What I'm not thinking about is an orange penguin, but now that's all you'll be able to think about for the next 5 minutes..

Slippers are great. In essence you would think that they would make you 'slip', but they don't! They are comfortable, warm, and sheep like. What a wonderful surprise if you had no previous experience with slippers, expected the former, and bought them on a whim.

Kippers refer to fish. I don't like fish or seafood, or pretty much anything from the sea. It's not an allergy-controlled feeling, it's just that I don't like them. But I have been confronted quite frequently about this recently, and the reason that I don't like fish is that I can't stand the smell. It sends shivers down me spine. If I were to go onto Survivor, as soon as that inevitable "Eat the worms and other things that aren't meant to be eaten" game came along, I would say, "Thank you, but I'm pretty sure I could survive without being stupid enough to eat that!".

Salt is nice, but it causes heart failure if you eat too much. True story.

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

..

I just thought up this CRAZY new invention and HAD to share it with you! It's so awesome!
You take bread, and then you slice it! It's going to be the best invention since...oh, wait..

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

Fashion..

Fashion is something that intrigues me. It's dictated by people who wear something that they think is cool, and followed by people who think that those people are cool, whatever they wear. So those people start to wear the clothes that the people who are "cool" wear. But the "cool" people can't have any of that. They do not want to be associated with the following-masses! So they in turn find more and more obscure things to wear, trying to maintain their identity as individuals.

But here's the secret...
Most people don't want to be individuals. And this is because it's difficult to be an individual. You are either applauded for your "out-of-the-box" thinking, or you are shunned for being a hippie. Trying to be an individual is, quite ironically, not very individual nowadays.

My view of fashion has been a delayed one. What I seem to do, purely unintentionally, is be highly unfashionable all the time by wearing clothes that were in fashion about a year ago. That way, I get to miss all the awkward looks that "Fashion Pioneers" have to endure, and I can choose from what I like from all the past fashions. Because, let's face it, fashion is uncomfortable. Nowadays, the fashion is apparently tight shirts and even tighter jeans. Tight jeans?! Most peculiar if you ask me. I've only just cottoned onto wearing jeans with t-shirts.

This is my plea to humanity: DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES BY WEARING OUTLANDISH CLOTHING THAT LOOKS STUPID JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT PEOPLE TO WEAR WHAT YOU ARE WEARING IN 3 MONTHS, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT LOOKS PECULIAR TO SAY THE LEAST! If we're all going to be "individuals" then we may as well all be individuals who don't look ridiculous..

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

Nicks..

I love nicknames. I think they are such a cool, individual expression that someone else makes up about your appearance or peculiarities.

You can't choose one. That's not how it works. You need to be at school, minding your own business, and just for a second you let your inner personality slip, and BAM! you have a nickname for life. It's either that or you are just labelled by stature or facial characteristics.

I think I had possibly the shortest nickname in the world at school. It's also the most distinctive, and some of my friends still use it. This is what it was: [Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, whilst inducing a vacuum within that space, and forcing the tongue downwards to produce a "kho!" sound]

That was my nickname. "Kho!". It derives from the word "Gherkin" which means tall person. Go figure. As I am nearly 6ft6, this was presumably an apt nickname. (Ironically, I can't actually make this sound :p )

Nicknames that have a family tree back to the dark ages are by far the best, when the name takes you on a journey from "Smith" to "Bacon Trousers McGee". It's almost like a form of rhyming slang, but taken to the extreme.

My closing point is that I think you need to embrace a nickname. If you strongly oppose it, then people are just going to use it more offensively, trying to get a reaction out of you. It becomes leverage, which soon is abbreviated into 'rage'. But if you decide to go along with it, a nickname becomes a term of endearment, used in good company to affirm your position in the herd. And as the young buffalo strays from its mother, the lion waiting by the waterhole-sorry, lost my train of thought. Oooooh Zebra!

So, go and be the "Baldy" or "Gangrene" or "Mufasa"'s of this world, and make my conversations with you a little more interesting, because frankly they've been a tad boring of late.

Toodle-pip,
andrewthekerr

Eloquence..

Eloquence.

It's just a great word, isn't it. Use it in any sentence, and people think you are eloquent. By even knowing the word, your social standing positively soars with authors, poets and the like. Even if the only word large word you know is "eloquence" people will think you're eloquent. But I want to dig deeper into this wonderful concept of being eloquent, because I feel that it has more of an impact than you may have ever imagined..

The trend of people is to assume that if someone if eloquent, that they are intelligent. Many unscrupulous politicians (I am certain) have used this to their advantage, wowing audiences into believing that all those seven-syllable words are assuring a positive future. (This of course hasn't occurred recently, with the likes of George W. at the fore..)
Eloquence has also been a sign of importance and respect. Would you not find it odd if Queen Vic had said, "Well I don't think it's bloody funny!" Precisely.

So, from what we have gathered so far, is that being eloquent is quite a good thing to be. But what are the advantages in this day and age? Frankly, if someone came up to you and said, "Kindly depart with due expedience," you'd think he/she was an utter pratt and tell them to go and stick their expedience right up their department. Thus, eloquence can get you into sticky situations, is not for the faint of heart, and must be used warily.

It is my theory that eloquence, when used correctly, is your get-out-of-jail-free card, your gravy-train ticket, and possibly (if you're really good) even your race-card. If people think you know what you're on about, then they'll follow you, give you chocolate, and massage your inner thigh all in the hopes that whatever you've got will rub off on them. People are sheep, but that's another thought.

I long to be eloquent, to wow audiences, to gain the respect of the important, to say, "Eloquence," and get away with it. And so I will sit down one of these days and become eloquent. As eloquent as my hero-of-eloquence, Stephen Fry. Wow, he's eloquent! But don't you worry, I will only use my powers for good, for peace, and for the benefit of myself.

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

I don't like R&B much. Some people like it. Some people like it a lot. There's just too MUCH singing in every song. When a normal singer goes, "You are my love..", an R&B singer will go, "YouOOOOuuAAoOOaauO are my-hy-Hy LoOOaUAUAOOOVE-oowoh-woh-woh!" and I don't like that. Why not just say it like it is, or like you would speak it. If someone said that to me like the R&B people sing it, I would a) Run or b) Run.

Another thing about R&B that I can't abide, is something so subtle, only people with an immense dislike for the music would pick it up. It's bells. Those silly little tinkly things that the percussion sections in an orchestra has for the certain occasions when they do R&B numbers. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard, it really is. I feel like I'm being forced to induce all the soppiest moments from every Disney movie ever made simultaneously!

So, next time you hear an R&B number, I hope this message will ring loudly in your ears, as it may help to drown out the awful racket of the song.

Toodle-pip,
andrewthekerr

Avast! Piracy..

So I was pondering the other day about CD piracy and how no young people, or any people for that matter, are buying CD's any more. Ok, that was an enormous generalization, but stick with it. One of the main reasons that this is happening is that people don't see copying music as stealing. They just see it as "copying". Well, I've got news for you (and me), it's just as bad as stealing a CD from a shop. "Copying" = Theft. Suck on that.

The other reason that I have concluded upon, is that CDs are so bloody expensive! I mean, R150 for 12 songs! What a rip-off. So here we are stuck in the middle ground of not wanting to get cheated out of hard-earned cash (or in my case: just cash), but also not wanting to deprive these hard-working musicians from a living, whether we think they're earning masses of moola or not.

Hmmm. Tough call I say. BUT, I have a solution, and it is this:
If the record companies and bands would join forces and collectively suggest that they would drastically cut CD prices, whilst at the same time informing the public that they are doing this so that people will be encouraged to buy the CDs and support the bands, instead of copying the music, hopefully people would respond positively and start purchasing rather than plundering.

This of course will never EVER be put into action, because no bands in their right minds would want to lose money to gain sales. Go figure.

Oh well,
Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

Introconclusion

Hello!
Welcome to the wonderful world of my thoughts. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and whatever's left over, you will now be entering the realm of the strange, sub-standard and un-useful. Nothing you read here, I'm sure, will ever benefit you in any way, other than to think happily to yourself, "Thank heavens I'm not that man!"
That's what I'm here for.

So, this is a blog. [looks around as if examining a new house] It's quite nice. Spruce. Clean. No rats. I don't like rats. But I had always asked myself about the purpose of a blog, other than irregular travel updates (But surely those should be sent via postcard?..). Anyway, I succumbed to the non-existent pressure of blogging, and so far I can't really say that I'm a better person for it. No, still not.

So what the hell is the bloody point of the thing?! I mean, I write drivel, and you read it!?! No offense, but that hardly sounds like a good, wholesome use of your time. No, there must be some other reason. Itis upon this reason which I shall elaborate directly.

This is what I'm going to do for you. Free of charge...so far. (If this turns into a bundle I'm going to cash in, pack up and move to Sweden! I heard the fishing's good in Sweden). I'm going to let you into whatever I'm thinking when I sit down at the computer in the hopes that it will be vaguely entertaining, amusing, or possibly slightly funny. Miracles do happen.

This could of course be a complete flop, in which case I'll change my name Pricilla and marry a crumpet. Unconventional, but at least there will be no arguing about who wears the pants. (crumpets don't wear pants, do they?..)

So, to conclude.
The end.
Of the beginning.

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr