..

I just thought up this CRAZY new invention and HAD to share it with you! It's so awesome!
You take bread, and then you slice it! It's going to be the best invention since...oh, wait..

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

Fashion..

Fashion is something that intrigues me. It's dictated by people who wear something that they think is cool, and followed by people who think that those people are cool, whatever they wear. So those people start to wear the clothes that the people who are "cool" wear. But the "cool" people can't have any of that. They do not want to be associated with the following-masses! So they in turn find more and more obscure things to wear, trying to maintain their identity as individuals.

But here's the secret...
Most people don't want to be individuals. And this is because it's difficult to be an individual. You are either applauded for your "out-of-the-box" thinking, or you are shunned for being a hippie. Trying to be an individual is, quite ironically, not very individual nowadays.

My view of fashion has been a delayed one. What I seem to do, purely unintentionally, is be highly unfashionable all the time by wearing clothes that were in fashion about a year ago. That way, I get to miss all the awkward looks that "Fashion Pioneers" have to endure, and I can choose from what I like from all the past fashions. Because, let's face it, fashion is uncomfortable. Nowadays, the fashion is apparently tight shirts and even tighter jeans. Tight jeans?! Most peculiar if you ask me. I've only just cottoned onto wearing jeans with t-shirts.

This is my plea to humanity: DON'T MAKE FOOLS OF YOURSELVES BY WEARING OUTLANDISH CLOTHING THAT LOOKS STUPID JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT PEOPLE TO WEAR WHAT YOU ARE WEARING IN 3 MONTHS, EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IT LOOKS PECULIAR TO SAY THE LEAST! If we're all going to be "individuals" then we may as well all be individuals who don't look ridiculous..

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr

Nicks..

I love nicknames. I think they are such a cool, individual expression that someone else makes up about your appearance or peculiarities.

You can't choose one. That's not how it works. You need to be at school, minding your own business, and just for a second you let your inner personality slip, and BAM! you have a nickname for life. It's either that or you are just labelled by stature or facial characteristics.

I think I had possibly the shortest nickname in the world at school. It's also the most distinctive, and some of my friends still use it. This is what it was: [Place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, whilst inducing a vacuum within that space, and forcing the tongue downwards to produce a "kho!" sound]

That was my nickname. "Kho!". It derives from the word "Gherkin" which means tall person. Go figure. As I am nearly 6ft6, this was presumably an apt nickname. (Ironically, I can't actually make this sound :p )

Nicknames that have a family tree back to the dark ages are by far the best, when the name takes you on a journey from "Smith" to "Bacon Trousers McGee". It's almost like a form of rhyming slang, but taken to the extreme.

My closing point is that I think you need to embrace a nickname. If you strongly oppose it, then people are just going to use it more offensively, trying to get a reaction out of you. It becomes leverage, which soon is abbreviated into 'rage'. But if you decide to go along with it, a nickname becomes a term of endearment, used in good company to affirm your position in the herd. And as the young buffalo strays from its mother, the lion waiting by the waterhole-sorry, lost my train of thought. Oooooh Zebra!

So, go and be the "Baldy" or "Gangrene" or "Mufasa"'s of this world, and make my conversations with you a little more interesting, because frankly they've been a tad boring of late.

Toodle-pip,
andrewthekerr

Eloquence..

Eloquence.

It's just a great word, isn't it. Use it in any sentence, and people think you are eloquent. By even knowing the word, your social standing positively soars with authors, poets and the like. Even if the only word large word you know is "eloquence" people will think you're eloquent. But I want to dig deeper into this wonderful concept of being eloquent, because I feel that it has more of an impact than you may have ever imagined..

The trend of people is to assume that if someone if eloquent, that they are intelligent. Many unscrupulous politicians (I am certain) have used this to their advantage, wowing audiences into believing that all those seven-syllable words are assuring a positive future. (This of course hasn't occurred recently, with the likes of George W. at the fore..)
Eloquence has also been a sign of importance and respect. Would you not find it odd if Queen Vic had said, "Well I don't think it's bloody funny!" Precisely.

So, from what we have gathered so far, is that being eloquent is quite a good thing to be. But what are the advantages in this day and age? Frankly, if someone came up to you and said, "Kindly depart with due expedience," you'd think he/she was an utter pratt and tell them to go and stick their expedience right up their department. Thus, eloquence can get you into sticky situations, is not for the faint of heart, and must be used warily.

It is my theory that eloquence, when used correctly, is your get-out-of-jail-free card, your gravy-train ticket, and possibly (if you're really good) even your race-card. If people think you know what you're on about, then they'll follow you, give you chocolate, and massage your inner thigh all in the hopes that whatever you've got will rub off on them. People are sheep, but that's another thought.

I long to be eloquent, to wow audiences, to gain the respect of the important, to say, "Eloquence," and get away with it. And so I will sit down one of these days and become eloquent. As eloquent as my hero-of-eloquence, Stephen Fry. Wow, he's eloquent! But don't you worry, I will only use my powers for good, for peace, and for the benefit of myself.

Toodle-pip
andrewthekerr