Flogging a Dead House..

This blog post forms the 1st of a two-part bumper-blog, which came to be out of an unfortunate accident with a mixed metaphor. They may not even be related. Here goes..

I was standing in the queue at the Spar the other day, when I suddenly realised that I really like House music. This is a bit of an admission, because I know a lot of my friends will now be rolling up their noses and sniffing in their sleeves with contempt for such a statement. But the fact remains. I like it.

As I am venturing out into the uncharted depths of honesty, I think a justification is in order. At the time of this realisation I questioned my motives for enjoying the 'doof-doof's and the 'rikki-tikki-tees' etc. The conclusion I arrived at startled me with it's simplicity. Lazerquest!

If you have never experienced the joys of running around in a badly lit room, covered from skull to shin in sweat, hazed in synthetic smoke and generally shooting people in the face with lazers, then you probably haven't lived. Or at least you haven't played Lazerquest. It was an absolute pinnacle of entertainment for me and my friends from the age of 14 to 21, and dare I say beyond. But the key issue in this story is that whilst one is playing Lazerquest (or should I say 'living' Lazerquest) one is being blasted with the most violent, the most barbaric, the most incredibly loud house music known to man.

Back then I didn't get it. The music was secondary to pointing a big gun at someone and getting their suit to make the "deedle-deedle-deedle-dooo-dooo-dooo-doobadup!" sound. What I didn't realise is that the Lazerquest staff were cunningly imprinting this music into my brain so that when, 8-or-so years later, I heard it again, it suddenly made me feel like I was about to storm the barrels and take over the luminous corrugated fort! I.e. I felt like I was at peace.

I don't know if you like House music, and it certainly is an acquired taste. It is no crime to crank up the volume and have more bass than a hearty American fishing holiday. But if you don't like House music, please don't immediately judge someone for listening to it and enjoying it. Because if you do, we will collectively own you with freakin' lazers..

Toodle-pip,

andrewiconkerr

Fridges..

There is something about a fridge that really unnerves me. The way they just stand there in the corner and wait for you. They are almost sneaky. When you open the fridge door, suddenly the light goes on and you can see what you want. But you know that as soon as the door is closed, the light vanishes and anything could be happening in there.

Now I'm a tall guy, but even just standing next to a fridge makes me nervous. I think that particular qualm is due to a fridge being so incredibly heavy. If it were to tip itself onto you, you would certainly feel it in the morning.

Fridges with those extra compartments for the tiny little freezers are by far the worst. It's almost as though the fridge is evolving, creatively thinking up new designs and new ways to attack or inconvenience their human prey. Before you ask me how they would go about this hunting that I have so fervently claimed, I will tell you that I don't know. But isn't that just as frightening..

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that whenever I retrieve something in the fridge that I had put there earlier, it's never in quite the same position. Sure, to the untrained eye it may seem like it is, but I know better. It's nothing I'd be able to prove, but it's just enough to unsettle me.

And then you hear these horror stories about people getting trapped in fridges. You don't hear that about ovens or microwaves. It seems like fridges are made to be dangerous. Not to mention cold-hearted. I think the very serious question facing our society needs to be addressed: Do we really need fridges at all, if they are going to put our lives at risk of being trapped or, worse, snuck-up on? Ladies and gentlemen, my case is as firm as Alec Baldwin's quiff. This scourge needs to be eradicated immediately!

They do keep my beers cold though..

Toodle-pip,

andrewiconkerr

It's..

"It's all about the money."

This song has been running through my brain for almost a week now, and it is starting to annoy me. At one stage I started to think about it deeply, to see if it had any value in it, as a philosophical statement. It certainly sound like it does. Many things are all about the money, like banking and shopping. And amusement parks. Wow. That's a lot of things. Could the band Meja be right? Could it be true? Is this all that life comprises of?

No.

Because the next line states that "it's all about the dum dum du-dee-dum dum."

I don't know what this means, but clearly they came to a realization in the middle of a song that a combination of dums and dees was actually what it's all about and that these were not to be taken lightly. Not only that, but now I'm even more confused because as I child it was all about the 'Hokey-Pokey'.

Sherbet. This is not going well. Somebody needs to come to some consensus, or we as a global population are not going to know what it's all about! This could be catastrophic. If Alaska doesn't know what it's all about then they might just melt all the snow they have on a whim. Or if Jamaica doesn't know what it's all about then they might get all stressed and stop doing the limbo. Or if Australia doesn't know what it's all about then they might stop-actually, maybe that would be ok.

I don't know what it's all about. You may think you know what it's all about but I don't think you do know what it's all about, especially if what you think it's all about is also what I think it's all about, when it's really not about it at all. But whatever the case, we need to know. Urgently.

Maybe the Government will give me some research funding..

Toodle-pip,
andrewiconkerr