Attack of the Elderly..

This may not be one of the most useful blog posts I have ever written, but let me tell you, it's going to be one of the punchiest.

I was sitting somewhere irrelevant the other day, minding my own business (that I started since the recession), and suddenly a thought occurred me. Before I indulge your inquisitiveness with elaborating on what this thought might have been, I need to give you some background to my personality.

I am a quasi-nerd. I enjoy nerds-only jokes, I am well acquainted enough with a computer to class myself as a nerd, and I have Lord of the Rings posters on my wall. In this day and age it is quite cool to be geeky, and I refuse point-blank to bow down to what society says is cool, even if I am within that bracket. So now you know why I am only quasi, and not a full-blown, self-proclaimed nerdzor. With all that in mind, I return to the issue at hand.

We've all seen the epic reenactment of Tolkien's masterpiece, 'The Lord Of The Rings', and many of us will have read and viewed the latest in popular books-turned-films that are the Harry Potter movies. Can you still not see where I am heading with this? Let me put you out of your misery, and not drag this incessantly long introduction for any longer. (This is where the nerd in me scrambles to the fore, and bats the normal person aside)

I want to see the fight between Albus Dumbledore and Gandalf the Grey. I mean, come on! Two great and powerful wizards, battling it out for honour and who can perform the most epic card tricks.

When you sit down and analyse the situation, were it to occur, there are various scenarios that may take place. Firstly, you know it's going to be a fair fight. There will be no beard-tugging or ball-grabbing going on because these guys have principles.

Secondly, the fight could end up being location dependent. In other words, Gandalf would strive in an outdoors location with no public toilets nearby or any fast food taverns. Dumbles on the other hand has to fight predominantly in a school to be of any use.

Thirdly, if you have seen all of the aforementioned movies you will know that when it comes to actual spell-casting, Gandalf seems to be a little shy. Often we see him say some words and instantly switch on all the LEDs at the top of his staff, but not really anything more than that. Dumbledore however seems to have endless ability to conjure up fireballs and swirling flames.

However, if the situation arose in which they were to be fighting in close proximity, Gandalf would be the clear victor. He has plenty of experience with a sword, and even if he dropped his sword whilst trying to be intense for the camera, it's still a wand vs staff battle. I don't now if you've seen one of those before, so I went out and experimented with two old men. Staff wins, hands down..

So there we are. Those are my views on how the most epic of all fantasy fights would go down. Unfortunately I don't think they will ever film this epic battle, and that is a sad reality. The one thing I do know is that when I'm their age...I want a beard.

Toodle-pip,

andrewiconkerr

Time Travel for the Inexperienced..

Ladies and gentlemen, for as long as time has been comprehended, mankind has wanted to escape these bonds and enter into the unexplored zone of Time-Travel. As the title of this essay suggests, Time-Travel is not something that one should just jump into. It is a complicated process that should be very carefully thought through before any action is taken. My aim is not to explain the fundamentals of how to Time-Travel, as I am sure you are all aware of the simplicity of the process, once it had been explained in graphic detail by Meredith Green (1955-?-3771), but more to point out the dangers of ignorance when contemplating doing it yourself. Many a person has approached the subject of Time-Travel with a cavalier attitude, and many have not actually have been in the cavalry, so to speak.

Time-Travel should be approached carefully, just as one would treat a lion when trying to tweak a whisker for important research: very gingerly, and with a hasty escape plan. Time-Travel sounds like a simple enough concept. “It is just like normal travel, only instead of ending up somewhere else, you just end up somewhen else,” fools have been heard to say. And indeed if you are a person who may have believed such utter drivel, then I suggest you take careful note of the tips and pointers that I shall be issuing you.

Firstly, Time-Travel comes at a cost. A time cost. The intrepid Time-Traveler must be a person arrogant and selfish in personality. This is because the amount of time they gain in traveling back in time needs to be derived from somewhere else. Time, of course, doesn’t just grow on trees. For a universal balance to take place, if our Time-Traveling ‘hero’ goes back 60 years (effectively gaining those years in potential-time) someone else has to lose them. This has effects as severe as instantaneous death or a person almost forty years old. One minute your body has forty to fifty strong years ahead of it, and the next thing it thinks its hit the big century and is handing in its notice. Hardly fair on the families.

Now I know what you’re all thinking. You’re all thinking, “Oh but its fine if they go into the future, because then, for the balance to work, someone is going to get another 60 years life.” This is true, but who’s to say whether a man taking his last breaths on his deathbed, having spent the last twenty years battling an incurable disease wants to spend the next sixty doing the same. And anyway, when the Time-Traveler comes back in time to tell of his fantastical journeys, some other poor sod has his life cut short again. I reiterate: Time-Travel is not for the selfless.

Secondly, the moment someone is transferred back or forward in time, a vacuum is left in their place. And as nature, and the teenager chore-avoiding boy, abhors a vacuum it replaces the emptiness with something of sheer worthlessness, just to plug the gap. More often than not this is a pile of Boney M cds, but every once in a while you get an Elvis impersonator.

My point could not be more clear: When embarking on a journey involving Time-Travel one needs to realize that one is effectively affecting everyone in the world dramatically negatively. If not directly, as illustrated in my first point, then certainly indirectly (as predicted by my second point) via an incident that may occur at a terrible party. You’d have to be a real prick to want to Time-Travel. But that’s what they said about Magellan..

Toodle-pip,

andrewthekerr

Squeak..

My car is not known for its reliability. Come to think of it, my car is not known for many things: its policy on foreign affairs; its views on how maroon is the new red; or even how pillows are the key to the future of our children. But yesterday morning I got into The Major (yes, I named my car "The Major". If you have a problem with this, I suggest you write to Ura Huge of the Automobile Renaming Society for Engineers), and I realised that all was not well. The Major had developed an unaccountable squeak, which was emanating from just above my right ear.

Now, whether this complication arose due to something I instigated, or whether it is something unrelated to the way I handle The Major, is almost impossible for me to ascertain. The fact of the matter is that there was a squeak, and it unsettled me somewhat. Don't get me wrong, my car has a number of rattles and shakes. But no squeaks. Not yet. Not until yesterday. The situation had moved from an old car, to an old car that now suddenly could fall apart and spontaneously combust at any stage.

I wound down the window. No change. I wound up the window to the point where I physically couldn't force the glass any further up between the two fiddly bits of rubber. No change. Sweat formed on my brow, and I started to panic. I was now a liability, driving on a public road, in broad daylight. We've all seen the movies, and so we all know that unaccountable squeaks have a tendency to lead to spectacular and explosive deaths...

It turns out that the squeak stopped after about a kilometer of driving, and I managed to arrive at my destination with all limbs attached. But I can honestly say that I have learnt a valuable lesson, and it is this lesson that I would like to impart on you all today:

"When driving an old car, and you hear a squeak resonating from an unknown source, stop the car. You would be much better off if you just walked to wherever you are going. You would also stand more chance of avoiding cardiac arrest if you heeded my advice regularly and as your fitness builds."

So there we are. Squeaks ultimately lead to death. Avoiding the aforementioned squeaks clearly leads to extended longevity. You can thank me later.

Toodle-pip,

andrewthekerr